3/27
Dear Diary,
Today I laid my eyes on the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. She was the new girl in school and I could tell just by looking at her that we had nothing in common. She appeared wealthy, athletic, and a bit African American. Despite the fact that I’m middle class, over weight, and racist, I think I might be in love.
3/28
Dear Diary,
The new girl sat in the empty desk next to mine and I knew I had to pull out all of the moves. As she looked over in my direction I twirled my rat-tail with my finger while wildly winking at her. She immediately turned away, which made me think that my advances had failed. Then I noticed her nipples get hard. Mission accomplished.
3/29
Dear Diary,
At lunch I saw the new girl sitting alone at the corner table. I would have invited her to sit with me and my friends, but Tommy isn’t very friendly, and Mark is straight up in a wheelchair. To avoid them cramping my style, I ditched my entourage and made my way to her table. I thought a joke might break the ice, so I sat on her lap and said, “Hello Santa, I’d like a Christmas present!” I don’t know if it’s because she’s Jewish, and I don’t know if it’s because I farted on her lap, but she didn’t find it very funny. Instead she threw up on my pants.
3/30
Dear Diary,
I saw the new girl after school and offered to carry her books. She pointed to her backpack, most likely as a way of saying she could carry her own books, but I took it as an offer for her to carry mine, so I loaded them in. We started to walk and I tried my best to make conversation, but all of the words were coming out wrong. “Lovely weather we’re having,” sounded like, “Lovely weather we’re napping,” and “Do you like skiing?” sounded more like, “Pee on me.” When we got to her house I retrieved my books and leaned in for a kiss. Instead of smearing my hazelnut chap stick, she ran inside and locked the door. Third grade is such a confusing time.
