Saturday, September 4, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Some Picture Prompt Quickies
“Don’t worry sweatie, I’ll have this tire fixed in no time.”
“That’s what you said 2 hours ago, Dad.”
“This time I mean it, sport.”
As Dad went back to work on the tire, Denise stared off into the distance, dreaming about the day Lord Satan would bless her with his seed.
Corey tapped his dad on the shoulder and held the strange object up for him to see.
“What is it Daddy?”
“Well dumbass, that’s a seashell. They come from the gift shop but they suck so people just leave them on the beach. Now for the tenth time, bury me in the god damn sand!”
Corey dropped the shell and dreamed about the day he’d be reunited with his real father, Lord Satan.
“I don’t care what you say Artie! I’m going on this date! I want an open relationship!” Jessica yelled as she applied makeup to her stupid looking face.
Artie stormed into the bathroom dialing his cell phone. “Fine, if you want to be open, let’s be open!”
Jessica chuckled. “Yeah right Artie, you don’t know any girls.”
That night, Artie and 90 other men set the world record for the gayest orgy ever.
“This helicopter looks stupid Craig, we’re not Jamaican! And you’re from Kansas!”
“Bro, you know how much I love Marley and shit, so stop busting my chops!”
Ricardo smirked. “Did you say ‘chops’ cause we’re in a ‘chopper’?”
When Craig realized the unintentional pun he just made, his mind literally blew up in his head. Impressively, he still managed to land the helicopter and chug a soda before dropping dead.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Dream Jobs
Remember when you were a kid and you would fantasize about what you wanted to do with your life? Nothing was unrealistic because you could always hide behind the fact that you hadn’t hit puberty yet and adulthood was light years away. Then it happens; you grow up. Suddenly the idea of being an astronaut or shark hunter doesn’t seem so plausible anymore, and you’re stuck with the choice of cashier or fry cook.
When I was a kid I was always dreaming about the future and the profession I would have. While most of the dreams have been abandoned, it’s always nice to look back at what could have been.
These are the jobs I used to dream about:
Age 3: A dog
Though I never owned a dog or saw one in person, the canine instinct just came to me naturally. This was probably due to the fact that I didn’t learn to walk until age 5, so I spent most of my time on all fours. I remember my mom would play along by serving me food in a dish and making me sleep in a cage. The real selling point was that as a dog, I could work from home, sleep all day, and hump whomever I wanted.
Age 6: A superhero
When I was a kid there was nothing I loved more than superheroes. I knew them all…Spiderboy, Wolferine, that one with the gun. Sometimes I would pretend I was a superhero and run around on my front lawn doing cartwheels to the Beach Boys. I guess that isn’t much of a superhero thing to do, but I called myself Beach Boy and wore nothing but a cape.
Age 8: A gravedigger
Not gonna lie, I was just jumping on the bandwagon with this one.
Age 11: A lawyer
Though I’ve never had an interest in law, being a lawyer just made sense to me. They’re respected, make a lot of money, and Jim Carrey played one. The whole idea of lawyers being corrupt and hell sent didn’t faze me much because at age 11 I didn’t give a fuck about shit. If you’ve ever seen the movie Thirteen, that was me at 11. If you’ve ever seen the movie 13 Going On 30, that was me laughing to tears. I got a bit off track here, but to sum it up, I wanted to be a lawyer for the pussy.
Age 13: A drummer
By the age of 13 I was a member of multiple bands. There was Brian And The Crabs, Brian And His Uncles, and New Found Glory. Here’s a picture of me on tour with NFG around the age of 12. Feel free to notice my necklace and gold teeth, which combined cost more than your car.
As much as I loved the fast life of sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll, it became too much for me. By age 14 it was all about drugs, drugs, and dancehall reggae. After New Found Glory gave me the boot, I attempted to start my own band, Sabrina And The Teenage Witches. The combination of country music and witchcraft was way ahead of its time, causing me to abandon the band, and the dream.
Age 15: A dog
The humping thing really seemed like something I could do with my life. I also really wanted to kill the mailman.
Age 18: A bus boy
This was a dream come true during the summer of 2007, but it was nothing like I thought it would be. Lets take a look at this title for a second: “bus boy.” While the job requirements involved plenty of “boy,” there was a severe lack of “bus.” Did I get to drive a bus? No. Did I get to work inside of a bus? No. Did I even get to look at a bus? Never! The whole thing was a sham. All I got to do was clean tables, take out garbage, and give baths to the kitchen staff. On second thought, it wasn’t all that bad.
Age 20 (present day): A bear
Here’s what bears do:
1. Hibernate
2. Fish
3. Pick berries
4. Steal picnic baskets
Here’s what bears don’t do:
1. Give a fuck
Could I picture myself living in the woods, eating, sleeping, and having sex with lady bears? Absolutely. This is a job that I would give 110% to for the rest of my life…or at least until retirement.
So will I stick with my goal of being a bear? Who knows? Maybe I’ll make movies, maybe I’ll write for television, or maybe I’ll just be a cashier or fry cook. Whatever my future job may be I can only hope that it’s fun, challenging, and pays enough to support my children, my drug habits, and my children’s drug habits.
When I was a kid I was always dreaming about the future and the profession I would have. While most of the dreams have been abandoned, it’s always nice to look back at what could have been.
These are the jobs I used to dream about:
Age 3: A dog
Though I never owned a dog or saw one in person, the canine instinct just came to me naturally. This was probably due to the fact that I didn’t learn to walk until age 5, so I spent most of my time on all fours. I remember my mom would play along by serving me food in a dish and making me sleep in a cage. The real selling point was that as a dog, I could work from home, sleep all day, and hump whomever I wanted.
Age 6: A superhero
When I was a kid there was nothing I loved more than superheroes. I knew them all…Spiderboy, Wolferine, that one with the gun. Sometimes I would pretend I was a superhero and run around on my front lawn doing cartwheels to the Beach Boys. I guess that isn’t much of a superhero thing to do, but I called myself Beach Boy and wore nothing but a cape.
Age 8: A gravedigger
Not gonna lie, I was just jumping on the bandwagon with this one.
Age 11: A lawyer
Though I’ve never had an interest in law, being a lawyer just made sense to me. They’re respected, make a lot of money, and Jim Carrey played one. The whole idea of lawyers being corrupt and hell sent didn’t faze me much because at age 11 I didn’t give a fuck about shit. If you’ve ever seen the movie Thirteen, that was me at 11. If you’ve ever seen the movie 13 Going On 30, that was me laughing to tears. I got a bit off track here, but to sum it up, I wanted to be a lawyer for the pussy.
Age 13: A drummer
By the age of 13 I was a member of multiple bands. There was Brian And The Crabs, Brian And His Uncles, and New Found Glory. Here’s a picture of me on tour with NFG around the age of 12. Feel free to notice my necklace and gold teeth, which combined cost more than your car.
As much as I loved the fast life of sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll, it became too much for me. By age 14 it was all about drugs, drugs, and dancehall reggae. After New Found Glory gave me the boot, I attempted to start my own band, Sabrina And The Teenage Witches. The combination of country music and witchcraft was way ahead of its time, causing me to abandon the band, and the dream.
Age 15: A dog
The humping thing really seemed like something I could do with my life. I also really wanted to kill the mailman.
Age 18: A bus boy
This was a dream come true during the summer of 2007, but it was nothing like I thought it would be. Lets take a look at this title for a second: “bus boy.” While the job requirements involved plenty of “boy,” there was a severe lack of “bus.” Did I get to drive a bus? No. Did I get to work inside of a bus? No. Did I even get to look at a bus? Never! The whole thing was a sham. All I got to do was clean tables, take out garbage, and give baths to the kitchen staff. On second thought, it wasn’t all that bad.
Age 20 (present day): A bear
Here’s what bears do:
1. Hibernate
2. Fish
3. Pick berries
4. Steal picnic baskets
Here’s what bears don’t do:
1. Give a fuck
Could I picture myself living in the woods, eating, sleeping, and having sex with lady bears? Absolutely. This is a job that I would give 110% to for the rest of my life…or at least until retirement.
So will I stick with my goal of being a bear? Who knows? Maybe I’ll make movies, maybe I’ll write for television, or maybe I’ll just be a cashier or fry cook. Whatever my future job may be I can only hope that it’s fun, challenging, and pays enough to support my children, my drug habits, and my children’s drug habits.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)