Fantastic Grandpa Articles

Random Thought: Dogs

2011-01-20T17:56:00.001-05:00

After walking my dog I realized a few things I would never be doing without a dog, like walking around town with a bag of shit, or snorting cocaine off of a dog's head.

Hell-Oh-Hell

2010-09-04T13:09:00.003-04:00

The first rule of Mime Club: you do not talk.

Some Picture Prompt Quickies

2010-06-17T15:57:00.005-04:00

“Don’t worry sweatie, I’ll have this tire fixed in no time.”
“That’s what you said 2 hours ago, Dad.”
“This time I mean it, sport.”
As Dad went back to work on the tire, Denise stared off into the distance, dreaming about the day Lord Satan would bless her with his seed.

Corey tapped his dad on the shoulder and held the strange object up for him to see.
“What is it Daddy?”
“Well dumbass, that’s a seashell. They come from the gift shop but they suck so people just leave them on the beach. Now for the tenth time, bury me in the god damn sand!”
Corey dropped the shell and dreamed about the day he’d be reunited with his real father, Lord Satan.

“I don’t care what you say Artie! I’m going on this date! I want an open relationship!” Jessica yelled as she applied makeup to her stupid looking face.
Artie stormed into the bathroom dialing his cell phone. “Fine, if you want to be open, let’s be open!”
Jessica chuckled. “Yeah right Artie, you don’t know any girls.”
That night, Artie and 90 other men set the world record for the gayest orgy ever.

“This helicopter looks stupid Craig, we’re not Jamaican! And you’re from Kansas!”
“Bro, you know how much I love Marley and shit, so stop busting my chops!”
Ricardo smirked. “Did you say ‘chops’ cause we’re in a ‘chopper’?”
When Craig realized the unintentional pun he just made, his mind literally blew up in his head. Impressively, he still managed to land the helicopter and chug a soda before dropping dead.

Dream Jobs

2010-02-24T15:58:00.001-05:00

Remember when you were a kid and you would fantasize about what you wanted to do with your life? Nothing was unrealistic because you could always hide behind the fact that you hadn’t hit puberty yet and adulthood was light years away. Then it happens; you grow up. Suddenly the idea of being an astronaut or shark hunter doesn’t seem so plausible anymore, and you’re stuck with the choice of cashier or fry cook.

When I was a kid I was always dreaming about the future and the profession I would have. While most of the dreams have been abandoned, it’s always nice to look back at what could have been.

These are the jobs I used to dream about:

Age 3: A dog
Though I never owned a dog or saw one in person, the canine instinct just came to me naturally. This was probably due to the fact that I didn’t learn to walk until age 5, so I spent most of my time on all fours. I remember my mom would play along by serving me food in a dish and making me sleep in a cage. The real selling point was that as a dog, I could work from home, sleep all day, and hump whomever I wanted.

Age 6: A superhero
When I was a kid there was nothing I loved more than superheroes. I knew them all…Spiderboy, Wolferine, that one with the gun. Sometimes I would pretend I was a superhero and run around on my front lawn doing cartwheels to the Beach Boys. I guess that isn’t much of a superhero thing to do, but I called myself Beach Boy and wore nothing but a cape.

Age 8: A gravedigger
Not gonna lie, I was just jumping on the bandwagon with this one.

Age 11: A lawyer
Though I’ve never had an interest in law, being a lawyer just made sense to me. They’re respected, make a lot of money, and Jim Carrey played one. The whole idea of lawyers being corrupt and hell sent didn’t faze me much because at age 11 I didn’t give a fuck about shit. If you’ve ever seen the movie Thirteen, that was me at 11. If you’ve ever seen the movie 13 Going On 30, that was me laughing to tears. I got a bit off track here, but to sum it up, I wanted to be a lawyer for the pussy.

Age 13: A drummer
By the age of 13 I was a member of multiple bands. There was Brian And The Crabs, Brian And His Uncles, and New Found Glory. Here’s a picture of me on tour with NFG around the age of 12. Feel free to notice my necklace and gold teeth, which combined cost more than your car.

As much as I loved the fast life of sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll, it became too much for me. By age 14 it was all about drugs, drugs, and dancehall reggae. After New Found Glory gave me the boot, I attempted to start my own band, Sabrina And The Teenage Witches. The combination of country music and witchcraft was way ahead of its time, causing me to abandon the band, and the dream.

Age 15: A dog
The humping thing really seemed like something I could do with my life. I also really wanted to kill the mailman.

Age 18: A bus boy
This was a dream come true during the summer of 2007, but it was nothing like I thought it would be. Lets take a look at this title for a second: “bus boy.” While the job requirements involved plenty of “boy,” there was a severe lack of “bus.” Did I get to drive a bus? No. Did I get to work inside of a bus? No. Did I even get to look at a bus? Never! The whole thing was a sham. All I got to do was clean tables, take out garbage, and give baths to the kitchen staff. On second thought, it wasn’t all that bad.

Age 20 (present day): A bear
Here’s what bears do:
1. Hibernate
2. Fish
3. Pick berries
4. Steal picnic baskets
Here’s what bears don’t do:
1. Give a fuck
Could I picture myself living in the woods, eating, sleeping, and having sex with lady bears? Absolutely. This is a job that I would give 110% to for the rest of my life…or at least until retirement.

So will I stick with my goal of being a bear? Who knows? Maybe I’ll make movies, maybe I’ll write for television, or maybe I’ll just be a cashier or fry cook. Whatever my future job may be I can only hope that it’s fun, challenging, and pays enough to support my children, my drug habits, and my children’s drug habits.

Greenland's Coat Of Arms

2009-12-18T01:25:00.003-05:00

So one day I was talking to my friend and something came up about Greenland. From what I remembered, Greenland was named by a Viking who wanted to trick people into thinking it was “green” (marijuana was legal) so that they would settle there. While searching around the Internet to find out if that was true, I came across this beauty:

This is Greenland’s coat of arms. I don’t know what they were going for when they made this, but to me it looks like a polar bear practicing his passionate kisses. (And you’re looking good buddy!) I asked my friend what it looked like to him, but he didn’t respond because he’s a rabbit and can’t talk. Instead he just ate some lettuce.

Judging by the tongue I’d say that Greenland is either:
1. Home to fire breathing bears.
2. Sponsored by Nike.
3. Full of diehard KISS fans.

In conclusion, never trust Vikings.

Picture Prompt #3: Crime Scene

2009-10-20T15:11:00.002-04:00

It was a typical morning in the small town of Riverdale. The grass was fresh with dew, the church bells were ringing, and a woman lay brutally murdered on the street.

Officers Davis and Ashford were the first ones to arrive at the crime scene.

“I need a goddamn vacation,” Ashford snarled, spitting a wad of tobacco juice on the bloodstained street.

Davis squinted his eyes in rage. “Not until the son-of-a-bitch who did this gets his life long vacation behind bars!”

Just then, an older man in a suit approached the two officers.

“Hello gentlemen, I just wanted to stop by and introduce myself. My name is Henry Robinson and I’m running for mayor of Riverdale.”

Robinson extended his hand in a friendly gesture, but Davis and Ashford kept their attention on the body.

Robinson retracted his hand to his side. “Alright then. It was nice meeting-“

Davis cocked his eyebrow. “Running for mayor, huh?”

“That’s right! Just wanted to make sure I had the support of the force!”

Davis turned his head from the body and looked the politician dead in the eye.

“You sure you running for something…not FROM!?”

Robinson chuckled nervously to himself. “Wh-what are you talking about, officer?”

“Where were you last night around 3 am?!”

“Well I was, I was-“

“You were here, weren’t you?!” Ashford yelled, showering the old man in tobacco juice.

“No!” Robinson yelled in a panic. “I was home with my family!”

“Don’t dick me around, Robinson!” Davis yelled. “Don’t you dick me around!”

The old man began to tremble. Sweat was running down his forehead like the drool running out of Ashford’s mouth.

“Okay okay! I did it! I killed her! She was a hooker and she was gonna blackmail me!”

Davis looked at the old man in disgust. “That’s all I wanted to hear. Take him away boys!”

As Robinson was cuffed and escorted to the back of a cop car, Davis and Ashford shook their heads in disappointment.

Ashford turned towards Davis. “He sure won’t be getting my vote.”

Davis just nodded. “Let’s go get that vacation.”

A Page From My Diary: The New Girl

2009-09-12T18:54:00.001-04:00

3/27

Dear Diary,

Today I laid my eyes on the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. She was the new girl in school and I could tell just by looking at her that we had nothing in common. She appeared wealthy, athletic, and a bit African American. Despite the fact that I’m middle class, over weight, and racist, I think I might be in love.

3/28

Dear Diary,

The new girl sat in the empty desk next to mine and I knew I had to pull out all of the moves. As she looked over in my direction I twirled my rat-tail with my finger while wildly winking at her. She immediately turned away, which made me think that my advances had failed. Then I noticed her nipples get hard. Mission accomplished.

3/29

Dear Diary,

At lunch I saw the new girl sitting alone at the corner table. I would have invited her to sit with me and my friends, but Tommy isn’t very friendly, and Mark is straight up in a wheelchair. To avoid them cramping my style, I ditched my entourage and made my way to her table. I thought a joke might break the ice, so I sat on her lap and said, “Hello Santa, I’d like a Christmas present!” I don’t know if it’s because she’s Jewish, and I don’t know if it’s because I farted on her lap, but she didn’t find it very funny. Instead she threw up on my pants.

3/30

Dear Diary,

I saw the new girl after school and offered to carry her books. She pointed to her backpack, most likely as a way of saying she could carry her own books, but I took it as an offer for her to carry mine, so I loaded them in. We started to walk and I tried my best to make conversation, but all of the words were coming out wrong. “Lovely weather we’re having,” sounded like, “Lovely weather we’re napping,” and “Do you like skiing?” sounded more like, “Pee on me.” When we got to her house I retrieved my books and leaned in for a kiss. Instead of smearing my hazelnut chap stick, she ran inside and locked the door. Third grade is such a confusing time.

My Son J.T.

2009-09-09T00:33:00.001-04:00

Every parent likes to think their child is special, and they take every opportunity to brag about it to the world. It’s evident by the millions of cars sporting bumper stickers that read, "My Child is an Honor Student", or "My Child is a Mensch."

Out of all of the world's bumper stickers, there’s only one that reads, "My Child is the Second Coming of Christ". I know this because I made it myself. That bumper sticker is on my car. That child is my son, J.T.

When my girlfriend revealed to me that she was pregnant, I was shocked to say the least. We were both waiting to lose our virginities on our wedding night, so it didn’t make any sense how this could have happened.

I began to suspect an act of adultery, but before I could even finish the thought, she explained everything. I remember her exact words:

“No, it wasn’t another guy! It was…um…an angel! Yeah, that’s right! An angel! An angel came to me in a dream, and he said that I was gonna have a baby! God’s baby! The angel said I would become pregnant with the son of the Lord!”

It was just like a monologue from a Shakespearean play.

We got married, and a few months later our little miracle was born. My wife insisted on giving him a standard name, but how could anyone worship a Ricky or a Kevin? It was only appropriate that he be named Jesus Two, or J.T. for short.

J.T. seemed like an average child, maybe even a little below average, but I knew that there was a savior inside him just waiting to get out.

On his tenth birthday, I told him all about his real father and his destiny. It was time for his training to begin.

Our first stop was the lake. I never bothered signing J.T. up for swimming lessons, cause what was the point? He was gonna walk all over that shit.

Just like a mother bird pushing her babies from the nest and forcing them to fly, I pushed J.T. into the lake as hard as I could. To my surprise, he sank right to the bottom. I began to wonder if maybe it had something to do with his footwear. After all, Jesus wore sandals, not Crocs. Then I remembered my boy was drowning, so I dove in and fished him out. After about a dozen failed attempts we decided to call it a day.

As time went on, J.T. showed very little improvement with his miracles.

When J.T. tried to cure a blind man, the man said he felt a little blinder. When he attempted to turn water into wine, the water just became Coke Zero.

Despite these disappointments, there have been some redeeming qualities to raising J.T. For example, I learned a lot about my religion. I learned that Joseph deserves more credit, because he is responsible for raising Jesus into the Lord and Savior. I learned that no one is perfect, and if the Son of God isn’t perfect, then maybe God isn’t either. That would explain retards. Above all, I learned that my image of God was completely wrong. He is not a large white man with a big white beard and a long white robe. He’s a black guy.

So next time you’re driving on the highway, look out for the olive green station wagon with the "My Child is the Second Coming of Christ" bumper sticker. Just remember to drive a little more cautiously. There’s a savior on board.

Erotica: Casual Encounter

2009-09-07T22:50:00.001-04:00

She was woman looking for a Casual Encounter; I was a man looking to lose my virginity. We were a match made in heaven.

Around midnight there was a knock on the door and my heart began to race.

I took one final look in the mirror. My reflection was nothing more than a 37-year-old boy. By tomorrow morning, it would be the reflection of a man.

I opened the front door and there she stood; blonde, curvy, and riddled with osteoporosis.

She entered the living room and I helped her to remove her coat. I threw it on the floor and asked her if she would like a tour of the apartment.

"Just the bedroom," she said with a smile, revealing a mouth full of braces.

Jackpot.

We made our way into my room and wasted no time getting down to business. I'm talking serious hugging and kissing.

"You smell nice," she said. "What kind of cologne is that?"

"My mother's perfume," I cooed.

As we continued to fool around, my penis began to grow erect, which I assumed to be a miracle. It's been years since I've maintained an erection without the assistance of Viagra, but tonight I was swollen up like a carrot stick. (I later found out the swelling was due to an allergic reaction to a spider bite).

She slid her hands down to my waist, and I could tell by the look in her eye that she was pleased.

"Is that a cucumber in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

I repositioned her hand from my cucumber to my penis.

"Can you feel its heart beat?" I whispered.

She could.

At this point I grew tired of foreplay. It was time to make a baby.

I watched her as she seductively removed her blouse, followed by her bra, revealing some boobs. They had nipples and everything. Just like in the pictures.

"Now it's your turn!"

I looked her dead in the eye and began to remove my mittens with my teeth. Once my hands were free, I began to unbutton my winter coat. Then came the sweatpants. That's all I was wearing.

She made her way to my bed and beckoned for me to join her. This was one invitation that I would be sure to RSVP for. Sexually...with my dick.

I laid beside her and we began rounding the bases, starting at first, and then slowly moving to second. The thought of baseball made me remember the classic Abbott and Costello routine,which caused me to burst out laughing. This seemed like a bit of a turn off for her.

After about five minutes I managed to calm myself down and wipe away my tears.

"So where were we?" I asked.

"Right about here," she said as she climbed on top of me. I don't need to go into details as to what happened next,but I assure you it was somewhere between three-and-a-half hours to eleven seconds of pure ecstasy.

When I awoke the next morning she was gone. I searched the apartment in hopes of finding her making me a sandwich, but all that remained was her scent. I never did see her again, but the night that we shared together was one that I will never forget. It almost made up for the fact that she robbed me.

Picture Prompt #2: Bedtime Prayer

2009-09-07T22:48:00.001-04:00

Every night before their beauty sleep, Timmy and Roscoe would kneel beside the bed and have a heart to heart with God.

As usual, Timmy prayed for an end to world hunger, health and happiness to his family and friends, and a shout out to Bob Marley.

By his side, his owner Roscoe prayed that God would smite his parents for giving him such a stupid fucking name.

Picture Prompt #1: Abandoned Car

2009-09-07T22:41:00.000-04:00

Bradley and Kenneth were on their afternoon stroll through the country side when they stumbled upon a dilapidated automobile.

"Boy howdy!" cried Bradley in merriment. "Look at this hunk-a-junk! I bet we could fix it up into a real hot rod! Once the engine works we can paint it a nice bright red!"

"But Bradley," Kenneth sighed. "I'm a Crip."

"Blue!" cried Bradley. "I meant a bright blue!"

"It's too late. I'm sorry son."

As the gunshot echoed through the cool summer air, a family of bears feasted on the most delicious berries.